defeated

Defeated…a term best describing where I presently reside. I’ve tried and pushed about as hard as I can to be successful and come out on top, yet it’s simply never enough. I despise failure yet eat at its table regularly returning like clockwork. I have to keep busy to avoid thinking. I keep busy, yet never succeed in the perfection I so need. Empty busy-ness getting me nowhere. Empty busy-ness taking me further from my goal. Empty busy-ness only defeating more.

 

Promises are never to be broken. Promise was made to overcome and move beyond. Promise to change and be positive and succeed. Promise to be a person I feel I can never be. Promise to achieve normalcy something I’m incapable of. They have all been right, right from the start, I am a failure, defeated before I even began. In my court there are only two left, but why? How long until I run them off? What’s keeping them there?

 

The water’s deep, not sure I can swim. The board is quaking, there’s nothing to hang on to, I’ve walked too far out. The sandy tile is eating at my feet, as the heat beats against my back. Treading water there below I see hope, or is the glare of the sun distorting my view. Will a jump bring me back up higher than before, or take me to the bottom as a rock around my neck?

~ by nietzscheiam on May 7, 2008.