writing again…unfortunately
not sure why i’m finding myself back here again, actually thought it was a chapter of my life closed and gone for good. yet at the present, this seems my only outlet, my only hope, my only friend…in my uncertainty..i’m so unsure of where to turn. things were actually going decent, take that back, good…very good, then my best friend, my anchor moved away. guess i realize now that i had put too much stake in man…i was good b/c of the relationship i guess, or maybe it was all b/c i knew i was safe…my life is standing on the high diving board…looking it it’s terrifying, the ladder is packed, so i stand motionless, trembling, optionless, no where to go but to dive in or shove others off the ladder and walk back down, scared to do either, i have stood so long, the board wobbling and long, yet there i huddled…i was convienced by my friend that i could handle this and move forward with my life and wouldn’t have to wealk backwards shoving people off the board. i was convinced if i dove in i would not be desserted, but now the move makes me feel abandoned and just that, desserted. i know it’s wrong of me to feel this way b/c my friend is dealing with a move, new job, and family, yet i still feel desserted…that’s what i get for putting all of my eggs in one basket. i finally found a nonjudgemental, true friend who i could be totally open and honest with about anything…i was totally comfortable there and enjoy discussing the day, good or bad, and all it entailed, but now that’s history…so i stand at a crossroads, trying to press on and be the person i have become, stronger and wiser, but suddenly there is no one who cares about my day…no one who’s there, no one…all alone i stand…scared…scared i may retreat and become the person i hate…scared i am not as strong as i thought i had become…scared of today, terrified of yesterday, and not sure i can face tomorrow. the mask at the present i will continue to wear, only willing to take it off for one…i will continue to be who people need me to be, to be the person people see me to be, i will cling tightly to the mask and trudge on…hopefully i just won’t fold in the battle that now feels as if it can’t be won…
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