not sure why i’m finding myself back here again, actually thought it was a chapter of my life closed and gone for good. yet at the present, this seems my only outlet, my only hope, my only friend…in my uncertainty..i’m so unsure of where to turn. things were actually going decent, take that back, good…very good, then my best friend, my anchor moved away. guess i realize now that i had put too much stake in man…i was good b/c of the relationship i guess, or maybe it was all b/c i knew i was safe…my life is standing on the high diving board…looking it it’s terrifying, the ladder is packed, so i stand motionless, trembling, optionless, no where to go but to dive in or shove others off the ladder and walk back down, scared to do either, i have stood so long, the board wobbling and long, yet there i huddled…i was convienced by my friend that i could handle this and move forward with my life and wouldn’t have to wealk backwards shoving people off the board. i was convinced if i dove in i would not be desserted, but now the move makes me feel abandoned and just that, desserted. i know it’s wrong of me to feel this way b/c my friend is dealing with a move, new job, and family, yet i still feel desserted…that’s what i get for putting all of my eggs in one basket. i finally found a nonjudgemental, true friend who i could be totally open and honest with about anything…i was totally comfortable there and enjoy discussing the day, good or bad, and all it entailed, but now that’s history…so i stand at a crossroads, trying to press on and be the person i have become, stronger and wiser, but suddenly there is no one who cares about my day…no one who’s there, no one…all alone i stand…scared…scared i may retreat and become the person i hate…scared i am not as strong as i thought i had become…scared of today, terrified of yesterday, and not sure i can face tomorrow. the mask at the present i will continue to wear, only willing to take it off for one…i will continue to be who people need me to be, to be the person people see me to be, i will cling tightly to the mask and trudge on…hopefully i just won’t fold in the battle that now feels as if it can’t be won…

the uphill climb takes forever it seems
yet the tumble down goes fast and unseen

i desire to be far from here
i fought to move beyond this

somehow i return although I despise it
no matter how hard and far I run, I can never go far enough

i desire to be someone I’m not
i desire to be someone I wonder if I can ever become

feeling once again as if defeat has overcome me
feeling as if i can’t get beyond myself

am i the problem of it all
am i the problem that will not cease
am i the problem i can’t get beyond

i don’t get it how thigns changed so quickly
how could i go from there to here
where do i want to go from here?

God is this it?
Is this as good as it gets?
Am I the problem I can’t outrun?
Am I the problem I can’t seem to overcome?
Do I merely have to learn to accept myself as I am?
Do I have to determine to accept my failures?
Do I have to determine I am choiceless to an extent…
either I have to determine to live conquered or be conquered…which will it be?

Defeated…a term best describing where I presently reside. I’ve tried and pushed about as hard as I can to be successful and come out on top, yet it’s simply never enough. I despise failure yet eat at its table regularly returning like clockwork. I have to keep busy to avoid thinking. I keep busy, yet never succeed in the perfection I so need. Empty busy-ness getting me nowhere. Empty busy-ness taking me further from my goal. Empty busy-ness only defeating more.

Promises are never to be broken. Promise was made to overcome and move beyond. Promise to change and be positive and succeed. Promise to be a person I feel I can never be. Promise to achieve normalcy something I’m incapable of. They have all been right, right from the start, I am a failure, defeated before I even began. In my court there are only two left, but why? How long until I run them off? What’s keeping them there?

The water’s deep, not sure I can swim. The board is quaking, there’s nothing to hang on to, I’ve walked too far out. The sandy tile is eating at my feet, as the heat beats against my back. Treading water there below I see hope, or is the glare of the sun distorting my view. Will a jump bring me back up higher than before, or take me to the bottom as a rock around my neck?

there’s a day and a time when all seems chaos
when people want you here and there
and everyone wants you more and more
pulled to and fro
tossed about in the wind
stressed to the end

needing peace
needing rest
needing a calmer pace
needing understanding
needing knowledge
needing needing needing i am just the same

like a thread i’m pulled so tight
pulled beyond even my might
pulled to where i have to fight
just to keep my cool without

why the emotion
why the pain
it’s just another day
just somehow it all seems so final for the first time
a year has passed
a long year at that
somehow it makes it more final than ever before
somehow it’s time to say bye
because people don’t really care and it’s time to move on
move on past what i’m not sure
whatever is gripping and holding me in its clinches
tired of being tied down by its grip
tired of being held captive against my wishes
tired…simply tired

thought somehow I could change it all…
do things different and it’d come out different
but it didn’t…it isn’t…it won’t

desiring the day to stop
to rewind and start time over
somehow i can change it all…or can i
in my mind i try to make things better
but time cannot be reversed
inside i’m falling to pieces trying on the outside to maintain face
composure is a much as i’m thrust into world that continues on

i miss him so badly
i’m living the week all over again
tomorrow’s the anniversary,
yet it seemed like yesterday with it being the day

living the week all over again
i fight to maintain face
i fight to hold it all together
i fight to be strong
i fight to continue on

once again i’m crumbling inside
once again i find myself in the same place again
if only i can stay awake time won’t pass on
if only i can change the course of time things will return to how they were
if only i can…but i can’t

lost in time, the question begs
will i comitt the same poor judgments only returning to this dreadful place once again

please help me God to overcome
please help me God to accept
please help me God to deal
please help me God to leave this place and never again to return
please help me God to learn and grow and become who You want me to be

possibly my greatest desire in this world
is that of my son
very little I wouldn’t scarifice for one…
yet then again I let one go without a fight

desire i’ve tossed upon my little man
desire misplaced as i make him mine
desire grows as does the pain
for unfortunately others are only playing games

playing games
something i’ve grown good at
play one job until the fun runs out
then run to something else
a grown adult trapped in as a senseless child
education lacking knowledge
will lacking desire
marking time was good
when time was on my side
time has taught me lately it’s far from this one’s side
it takes as it sees fit
destroys regardless the pain it leaves
time…is just that…time…and it’s passing away

A little over a year ago I asked you to talk to him about the most important decision in this world. I shared with you my encounters and pleaded with you to intervene and try a different angle. Simple…or so I thought, so why didn’t you go?

• Were you too involved at church and there were too many more pressing, more important things to take care of at the time?
• Had someone asked you not to go?
• Were you fearful of him or someone else to the point that it was easier to dodge it?
• Did you fear the reaction of others if he made the decision that night with you present?
• Did you feel that it was a lost cause and not worth going?
• Since he wasn’t involved at church and didn’t really show the fruit did you feel he wasn’t worth it?
• Were you like me and always thought there would be more time and didn’t see a pressing need to go?
• Did I say or do something that kept you from going?

got a new taste last night
possibly my calling
life out on the street
no bed, all clothes dirty, no shower…
just me and whatever I could find
a life I’ve always thought of as horrible
i actually found appealing
running to and fro
sneeking around to see what could be found
borrowing this and that
to make my life better

you know this is the life Christ once lived
no real place to call His own
living at the mercy of the earth…
the mercy of those around
cleaning clothes however possible
borrowing a bed for the night then journeying on

i have to think…
for a night it was a simple plight
but a lifetime
of not only this but ridicle and pain
and for what…not of oneself but us
for me
so that i would have access to the key
to eternity
and life abundant and free

why would anyone give up eternity on the throne
for years here below like this
…but one answer…true love beyond any other

this morning i was awakened by the shaking of the house
everything was moving
nothing was certain
everything was up in the air
nothing was safe
everything was shifting
questions about
everything was questioned
was this the end
everything over
was this the beginning
everything to be made new
one thing was certain
everything was in God’s hands
no one knew what to expect yet
everything was controlled beyond us
fear, uncertainty, questions
everything dependent upon faith
God was in control
everything is His
God reminded me and many others
everything is demolishable
God gently guides us back to Him
everything will soon be gone
God gave a warning
everything will soon be over as we know it.

been a decent day here
nothing exceptional
nothing too bad
just a day
couldn’t classify it as good
but sure far from bad
eventful yet uneventful
just a day

working late into the night
working hard on this new plight
gotta get the work done
gotta get it done right

yet at the same time put the feelers out
in preparation to jump onto a passing train
working now so there’ll be no looking back then
time to walk on
how far will it be
miles upon miles seem so delightful to me

God, you’ve brought change
I can sense it all around
God you’re changing me
I can feel it within
God lets keep this up
no desire a cycle to keep up
God it’s time to get real
time to face the facts…kill the past
God it’s time i start my life
ditching misconceptions of others
God it’s time for change
keep me on this track
God it’s time to move on
don’t let me keep looking back
God it’s time for you
time to get beyond myself
God it’s time…but for what
guide me, lead me, and please never leave me
God, this world’s full of uncertainty, lots of change and lose
don’t want to ever be alone again
God guide me and those helping me
show the direction that’s yours
God may we all keep our eyes upon you
for human eyes are full of ere

boss eval today
felt like a blow beneath the belt
found myself covering for others
while defending myself
emotions were hard to control
the good concealled with the bad
all wrapped tightly to make me “feel good”
you did this great BUT
the but always wins

felt built up slightly only to be torn down to the ground
misunderstood and misscommunication the huge key
it’s not me…it’s not him
it’s simply an inability to see eye to eye
different perceptions of the same job
the wrench in the middle of it all
i don’t know that i agree with where he wants this to go
didn’t voice it all…had emotion to control
everytime i defended i was knocked down
at times like that there’s only one way to go
quietly duck the head, tuck the tail and crawl out the door

never expected this day at all

now what will i do
i will come back fighting
looking for revenge
i’ll come back to not only be accepted but to win
i’ll come back stronger than before
quietly sneaking back in the door

from high to low
i so quickly go
masking the truth
masking the pain
making it all what to gain
trying to make proud
i hid in the clouds
allowing only a beacon to shine your way

face the tears
move on and grow strong
why couldn’t i just take it and go
instead i turned to a solution of sorts
nearly tossing everything i claim out the door
happy it made me…for a while at least
happy it didn’t stay with me…not long really

i made it through the day
with nothing to claim
only a disgrace to attach to my name
i’m a huge shame

some of the things i hated most about him
have become such a part of me
what will it take for me to see
this isn’t the key

a change i promised yet on my face i’ve already fallen
choice lies before me
proceed as before and claim it to win it and all will go well
proccee as i should and face the heat, take the pain, and move on
…what will it be?

lord, god, this weekend we’ve sortof turned the tables back around
i asked you to guide my ways
with the summer i laid it all on your plate
pros and cons both of which i had many
you ultimately knew the way
so to you it all i prayed
now i run,i haide, i lie
all the world i can play but from you never hide
you know me…the real me…the me i despise
the me i hate, the me i wish would fade with the night
my plight has drawn nigh
i’ve come to the end of the road
i’m done…

why is today so tough?
just a birthday…your first one you celebrate elsewhere
why did you have to go
why then
why not wait or give some notice
so much left i have to say
so much left undone
ours was a relationship far unique
a relationship partially in ruins

yet now it doesn’t matter
happy am i supposed to be
but tearstained eyes is all i see
give me hope he’s ok
let me know he’ll be just fine

wherever he is please wish him a happy birthday just from me
give him a gentle kiss upon the cheek…
tell him he’s just mine…and tell him i love him longer than the day

happy birthday to you…
happy birthday to you…
happy birthday i still love you
happy birthday to you

you may be far from here
but far from forgotten you are
you will always be a part of me
you will always be in my heart

I LOVE YOU…today and forever…

God i come once again
lost within myself
a road of destruction i have led
a road of lost wealth to claim
why i beg do i come by here

i come frustrated at the world as well as myself
angered by all within
hurt, abandoned, tossed by the sea

answers come only with more questions tonight
hope, peace, and joy are lost on their plight far from sight
my plight, my journey has come to a nigh, as i sit and simply sigh

scared of the world, scared of myself, scared of even you
nowhere to turn, nowhere for help, God is it really you
needing some answers, needing some hope, needing a light in the dark
show me this day that you are the way
guide me i plead tonight

i’ve lost all hope as i clinch the rope tight twined around my neck
is this the solution, or is there more
God i please once more

if you are there, if you care, come by this place tonight
shine a light, give sight, to this one wandering in the night
show me the day, the dawning light
show me a ray of your bright Son’s light
show me the way, help me this day, for you are the only hope left

answerless i stand, trembling in fear
scared of all that’s ahead
i say i love thee, but fail to hit my knees
is that why i stand here tonight
a claim i made you’ll hold me to
a claim you won’t let me fail
as the storm throws down the hail of life
safely you’ll bring me through

give me hope, give me sight, give me light through the night
it’s you i want tonight
become real and begin to heal the callouses of my heart
never to part let me learn to cling and you always be a part

learns hard you’ve taught me well
please let me just a while in your place dwell
let me heal, let me mend, let me be well again
let me be a child newly born, free to explore, reservations no more
freedom, hope, peace, and joy
let me be the one to whom you bring joy
let me be the one to whom brings you joy
let me find my all in you

destruction and people they are all in the same
all drop with the setting sun
good times they’re there
bad times they run
i’m ready God to take the plunge
is anyone there?

guide me through the night
guide me on this plight
stubborn i can be, so help give me someone to see
my eyes, your words, bestow and prepare them for me
give me wisdom to see

fear is cradling it in my hands
caressing the barel
fingering the trigger with a light tap tap tap
nothing to loose, everything to gain

in a single moment the pain will turn to fame
once with a name but that they too have claimed
for plans have failed, fame will come with a nasty aftertaste
really what I want to leave?

fear of failing once again only to return to this point
fear of failing worse than ever and being forced to live with the cost
fear of failing at the ultimate failure…failing to fail once again

i ever so careful lay it back again
i ever so careful tuck it in
i ever so careful shut the door
this door…once more…but when shall it open again

i closed the door but there is no lock
the door with the wind always seems to creep in

within hours the weapon has changed shapes and sizes
an innocent victim trapped within its clutches
begging to go, but forced to stay, only because there is another one within this day

why God do you cause such twists and turns
why God not just let my plans go untouched
why God am i even here
why God did you take him
why God did you answer that prayer and pull her from here
why God did you allow this unwanted one
why God did you come robbing the wrong one
why God did you have to ruin my day
why God did you not let her go her way…why did she have to stay
why God do i stand pleading tonight to return and succeed
why God can nothing come closer to my mind my succeeding
why God was i fearful, i’ve played it over and over again
why God did i hesitate until there was no more time
why God did he have to go and cry
why God did you have to take from me my life
why God did you do this once again
why God can’t i go…please just let me go…

please God i beg…just like papaw begged of me…let me just go to sleep

angered at the world
angered at the people
angered at the job
angered at the family

no longer a part
no longer fit in
simply drifting within

plans into action
plans to set part
time to change the course of this ride
leave the house
let me journey alone
let me be the hero by phone
noises heard
i’m there to take charge
harms way i stand
protecting him my command
1 punch, 2 punch, and a shot in the night
beginning of true sight

for once they’ll take notice
for once they will care
for once they will not care
for once they’ll be proud
for once i’ll clear the crowd
for once their lives i’ll free as well as mine set free
for once everything will spin in motion
for once it’ll all be right
for once we’ll have sight and be free from the night
for once fear will set sail no longer to dwell
for once i can count on being someone to everyone…someone to the once who counts

my life’s just drifting
time to set sail
time to be someone
time to be a hero to all
time a legacy to set that will not fall

nobody i stand today
what have i done to cause it to be this way
bithday forgotten,
cold shoulder given,
harsh looks from the eye
god job i think not
no better what what not
my life used to be far from here
at times it was better, but then it was not
is there really a place for me?
a place to fit in
a place to belong
a place to no longer be left out alone
a place not abandoned
a place not alone
a place i can call my own…and still not be alone

In Recovering from Losses in Life, a description of what it means to be a survivor is presented a survivor is “a person who, when knocked down, somehow knows to stay down until the count of nine and then to get up differently. The nonsurvivor gets up right away and gets hit again.”

Survivors have the following things in common:

• Plan ahead so they can be prepared for loss and crisis
  • Tell me, how does one prepare for an unexpected loss of a loved one?
• Learn from the wisdom and experience of others
  • People fit one of two categories…fall apart up front or hold it together and fall apart later…what more experience-wise is there to learn
• Don’t complain
  • I’m learning to suck it up…life stinks…then it’s over
• Have role models
  • Are there any real ones out there anymore?
• Have a desire to continue to learn and grow
  • Learn…that’s all this new territory is…learning ground
• Do not blame but rather develop a way to cope with the loss
  • Blame…not sure that’s the right word, although I should have been there when I wasn’t…not an issue of blame…simply a fact.
• Find a way to live in spite of what has happened
  • Live…that I am doing in spite of myself
• Still enjoy life and laugh, even in the midst of grief
  • Haven’t enjoyed life in years…this was the icing on the cake that took me down
• Have the ability to be flexible and adapt to new situations
  • Had to adapt…in spite of myself
• Have faith in God
  • God took him away…God allowed my life to come crumbing down right before my eyes…God has the power to help me, yet he’s opted not to…you know you’re a failure when even God gives up on you

Running would gain me the sun or land me behind bars of steel

True success and I’m beyond captivation

At least the world’s captivation

My own captivation I’ve battled for years

Failure in running this time could very possibly land me behind bars

But would those not be better than these bars I’ve build all on my own

Bars of fears,

Bars of tears,

Bars of pain,

Bars of hatred

Bars stained

Bars more solid than any manmade

Deep within I’m being hollowed out

Chiseled away at one day at a time

Til there is no more

No more dreams, no hopes, and even fears and pain will dissipate on that day

The day I’ll change history and be someone

A hero, bringing pride at last, and ripping the anguish from others

Only a lasting legacy of self sacrificing and a pile of ashes will remain

If God is your Savior, Redeemer, King, and Best friend and I am at least someone to you, why didn’t you heed my one request and talk to him…a year ago today you still had the chance to make a difference. Why didn’t you care?

Today, my birthday, yet a day like any other

…a day closer to the gates of death I lunge towards.

I missed his unique smell and gentle touch today

His laugh for no reason at all

His smile as he lite up as I walked into the room

His holding tight and telling me I was his

Long drives down by the lake and over to the airport

As we talked about things that mattered as well as shot some bull

Knowing he remembered all on his own my special day

Knowing he went out of his way to make my day even more special

His skin is brittle and his voice may crack,

Yet he’s still mine with so much left to live

Looking at him come reminders of talks, walks, battles, and tears

Reminders of hugs, the love, as well as the hate and fear

Blaming him I do not…choices were made and I’m as much to blame

Meaningless journey through a world in which I don’t belong

Holding ground until eternity dawns and I enter a like cycle once again

Handcuffs forcing me to be someone I wish not

Jail restraining me in a world I belong not

Worst comment made to me over the course of the year was “If he’s not in heaven you’ll never know”

That comment has only been battled thus far by one that has come in many variations and from various people…”at least it was quick”

Do they not realize I’d do most anything to gain one agonizing moment?

I’ve seen it from both sides and spent months with one battling death

Fortunately he conquered death and still continues on

I’d go through the same to have months and weeks or simply days, hours, minutes, or mere seconds more with him. I understand where they are coming from; yet hearing their words is a double edged sword ripping my inner being.